Originally published in Working Mother
By Maria Molland
Have you met the CMO? She is the Chief Mom Officer, and she’s currently the breadwinner in four in 10 U.S. households.
Women make up almost half of the U.S. labor force, and seven in 10 moms with children were in the workforce as of 2015, up 23 percent since 1975, according to a recent study by the Pew Research Center.
This is transforming more than just the dynamics at work. It’s also altering the way the family unit operates at home. This means moving past long-held squeamishness about everything from housework to both parents being capable of explaining to their daughter how to change a tampon.
Imagine, Dad: Your daughter comes home from school and tells you she just got her period. Your wife is on a business trip, and at that very moment making an important pitch to a big potential client. Yes, Dad may feel like he’s operating outside of his experience, but I promise it’s not something too tough to figure out. (Google it, guys!)
It’s all very emblematic of a lot of gendered expectations that we’ve had to set aside as we move closer to equality.
In truth, this is a cultural shift that’s been coming for decades and has only recently picked up steam because of women’s increasing work responsibilities. The Great Recession in 2009 has been called a “mancession” due to the outsize impact it had on men, with jobs traditionally held by men accounting for more than 70 percent of all job losses during the downturn. Many of those jobs have yet to return, leaving many men underemployed or out of work.
Amid all this, women stepped up. Taking on new responsibilities, embarking on new careers, and creating the wave of breadwinner moms we’re seeing now.
Yes, there are financial benefits to having more mothers in the workplace, supporting their families, but there are real changes at home that have to happen as a result.
Working mothers are more likely than fathers to say balancing work and family is difficult, at 60 percent vs. 52 percent, according to the Pew study, and in more than half of homes it’s still the mom who manages the kids and the house on a day-to-day basis. And, while men are generally more successful at compartmentalizing, women too often take on the burden of doing it all.
As a result, breadwinner moms are not only weighed down with household chores after their full-time job ends but also with the role of daily parenting or disciplining. Many also find themselves exhausted by what some call the “emotional labor” of parenting, which includes being tuned in to the particular angst being experienced by their teenage kids.
It’s time to address this shift head-on.
Parenting is becoming more equitable, women are finding new purpose outside of the home, and men are taking on more responsibilities with the kids. How can families negotiate this changing dynamic while remaining committed to each other and their marriages?
Communicate responsibilities. Get specific. Break down all of the responsibilities you and your partner have at home and at work and divide them up as you see fit. Lay it all out there. The days of the wife managing the household and the husband focusing exclusively on his career are effectively over, and yet the stigma of the stay-at-home dad persists. Open lines of communication can help smooth the transition and help both parties understand what their partner needs from them and how they can best help their families.
Put together a plan. Equitable relationships don’t just happen. They need to be discussed, planned out, and put into practice. Make sure your objectives are clear to both of you, and create a plan that will help the household run efficiently without overburdening one person with the lion’s share of the work.
Get help when you need it. The truth is, no one ever needs to feel like they have to do it all. Outsourcing some of the housework such as cleaning, cooking, or laundry can clear the tension and relieve feelings of being taken advantage of. It will also free up both of you to spend more quality time with your children and family, even if you have to take on extra work in your career to pay for the help.
The next generation is watching.
More than 80 percent of U.S. babies are now being born to millennial women, totaling some 17 million millennial moms, and that generation has already proven to be far more open to new and evolving social norms than their predecessors. Many of them grew up in two-earner households, and learned early on that equality is both possible and beneficial to a marriage.
Their Baby Boomer parents may have struggled to pioneer this kind of upbringing, but it’s being more naturally passed down to today’s kids.
And that’s a good thing. Sons who see their moms heading to work will see women as peers in their own workplaces. Daughters who see their dads cleaning the bathroom will expect the same of their husbands. And daughters and sons who see both parents as comfortable about natural body functions will feel more comfortable with their own bodies.
In households where both parents work, children learn to adapt to and respect authority, which helps them to improve their socialization skills. As a result, girls and boys alike are far more likely to view the workplace as a place where both genders can compete equally and fairly.
Parents should be actively supporting this. Divide your children’s chores equally. Let girls take out the trash and mow the lawn, while boys fold the laundry and set up the table. It will empower both genders, break barriers and help them grow into high-functioning, socially nimble adults.
Let’s keep this going.
In dual-income households, fathers can and should be more involved with the kids, planning activities, running the schedule and more. And, yes, this extends to even deeper conversations with their sons and daughters, including the dreaded puberty talk.
As traditional gender roles at work and at home continue to evolve, this is our opportunity to empower both our daughters as well as our sons and create the equitable, open society that we want for our children.
Maria Molland is the CEO of Thinx, a company making washable and reusable underwear for people with periods and bladder leaks.