Originally published on Financial Planning Questions

By Annika Cushnie, Brightworth

Couples with a significant age difference must face a number of unique questions about love, aging, family, and death when committing to marriage.

Of course, this is an exciting and remarkable time of your life. Planning the future together with someone you love is a thrill. For couples with large age gaps, there can be some wonderful and unique benefits. As a wealth advisor, I have seen many cases where the younger spouse may be in a position to skip those tough early years of wealth creation – something the older spouse has already done. There may be security there, and the younger spouse will not have to endure those post-college struggles of buying second-hand cars and watching every penny.

And, just as often, the older spouse will have someone in their life with new energy and new ideas, which can help them to keep pace in the workplace and stay current. They can also use their experience to help the younger spouse sidestep some early career or financial mistakes.

While not losing sight of these unique benefits, and of course the love and relationship at the center of the commitment, these “May-December” couples also need to face some thorny financial challenges.

For instance, it may be a difficult thing to talk about, but there is a statistical likelihood that the older spouse could become incapacitated or die – perhaps when there are still young children to raise. Younger spouses are often not fully aware of the financial issues that they could face, alone, in their older years.

While the vast majority of these age-gap unions consist of younger wives and older husbands, the obstacles are similar for older women and their younger male partners, as well as same-sex couples.

If there is an age difference of more than 20 years between you and your spouse, developing a comprehensive financial plan that addresses your unique issues is particularly critical.

In many of these unions, estate planning is complicated, especially if there is a family from the first marriage. When there is a large age gap, these children from a prior marriage may not be much younger than the new spouse.

The good news is, you aren’t the first couple to struggle with these questions. Here are some tips:

Be ready to speak with candor.

No one wants to think about the death of someone they love – especially at the dizzy beginnings of a relationship. “I love you. Now let’s talk about the statistical likelihood that I will die sooner than you think, and this will all end very badly.” Wow, that’s a buzz kill!

But the truth is that if this isn’t out in the open, a younger spouse – still in their optimistic and immortal 20s or 30s, for instance – may be in for a rude awakening some years down the road. The first step to making sure that he or she is protected, is to face the hard truths.

Be aware of the cross-currents in the extended family.

You might have thought talking about death was difficult. If this is a second (or third, or fourth) marriage for the older spouse, this is where things can get really dicey. This is where you will need to figure out who gets the money when the older spouse dies. This is always tough when it is not the first marriage. But in a marriage with a wide age gap, add in an extra helping of angst and resentment.

The dynamics can be very tricky: The children from the prior marriage may feel like they are the peer of the new wife, for instance. Or the first spouse may feel resentful that they have been replaced by someone half their age.

Then add the younger spouse’s parents to this already awkward scrum. They might be the same age as the older spouse, and may see him or her as having an undue amount of power in the relationship with their kid. They may become highly protective and get involved in the financial planning.

Look squarely at the financial plan.

The financial plan will now be created within the sphere of all of these difficult relationships and conversations.

You have to be realistic about life expectancy to come up with financial scenarios. There may be a decision to create an estate plan that will leave an inheritance to the first group of children while they are able to use it. After all, there is a chance the children in the prior marriage could live their lives and pass away before the new, younger spouse.

But, then again, giving a bulk of the inheritance to the children of the first family upon the death of the older spouse could leave the new spouse in the cold.

Each of these decisions needs to be made within the context of the couple’s unique circumstances. An advisor who brings ideas to the table and knows how scenarios can play out is invaluable.

To grapple with all of these concerns, the younger spouse may need to get up to speed on financial matters more quickly than would be normal for someone his or her age. This is being thrown in the deep end of building financial literacy. It is important that he or she be made aware of the financial plan and its implications in terms where it is an equitable and fair discussion.

There are no easy answers to all of these issues. Even finding a financial advisor to help can be tricky. You may not want to hire someone with 35 years of experience, for example. They may be long retired before the younger spouse needs their help most. And a younger advisor may be more likely to move to a new firm. Finding a firm with a long-term succession plan can be critical, and a huge help to get through the hard questions ahead.

The good news is, that – while daunting – the work you do now on this plan will be well worth it in peace of mind later. And getting these matters cleared up can allow you to focus on the (happy!) future with confidence and a new found optimism.